she walks along the edge of where the ocean meets the sand

recovery
its a new road for me. its hard, but its getting easier. i thought when i started eating id keep gaining weight till i was some terrible normal number, but ive stayed fairly thin at a steady 107 pounds. i think im ok with that. my boyfriends helped alot, he tells me he likes the way i look now much better, its more attractive, says i look hotter. i feel hotter, i feel more like a woman. its not a terribly scary feeling. sure i still think my arms are fat, think my tummys a little bloated, hate when i cant fit into old jeans. but im living with it, im coping, im not as scared as i used to be.
when this nightmare began to take hold of me, i was searching for something to give me refuge, some outlet to express my darkest of emotions. the pain of my depression slowly enveloping me, over takeing me, i wanted something to focus on. i wanted some new way to hurt myself, because i hated myself. it was there in this dark hour the disease found me, wrapped its arms around me and whispered in my eager ears telling me there is a way i can have strength and control. a process in which i can torture myself and make myself better in my eyes.
the struggle began, and i began to lose myself more and more. it was so painful, physically and emotionally. i was never good enough, i could never work hard enough. every bite was failure, every pound was failure. i was a failure. i was frail and so tired, my entire body hurt all i wanted was to sleep all the time. the headaches were unbareable, the dizzy spells embarrising.
i thought i had more control over my life. i could distract myself with numbers and facts and what i ate and what i will eat tomorrow and the next day, or rather what i wouldnt eat. i didnt see that the illness had consumed me body and mind and made me its slave. nothing was enough to convince me to stop, not watching my best friend deterioate before my eyes, not watching my family get ripped apart, losing my friends, failing in school, losing myself. i knew all the risks, i knew all the things that could happen to me and i welcomed them with open arms. getting sicker ment that i was working hard. it ment i was one of the elite, strong enough to reach my goal even as my body protested with all its might, threatening death. i had brought myself face to face with my own mortality, and i was dangerously unafraid. the emptiness consumed my thoughts, i craved flavor, anything aside the taste of water and lettuce. i felt hopeless and worthless. i felt like giving up. nothing was able to change me, until now. until i met this wonderful boy named mike, only then was i able to find things i loved about myself. in the end i was serching for someone to give me a reason to change, and no reason in this world was enough until i found mike and began to have hope. ive begun actually planning my future, for it is so near now. things are looking brighter. there are always troubles and conflicts but i have been able to overcome the obsticles. I want people to learn from my struggle. i want them to know this illness wasnt a cry for help from a selfish teenage girl, this was a demon that lived inside my mind, feeding off my soul, devouring me from the inside out. i didnt bring it upon myself, it found me when i was vulnerable. it was never about the numbers, the food, my body, it was about my mind my spirit my world. it was the illustration of the emotional pain i endured for 5 long years. it was dibilitating, keeping me from living. i lost everything i used to have but ive gained understanding, i have a new life now. i dont know if the little voice in the back of my head telling me im weak and fat will ever leave me but i do know that this time i really do have control and strength, because now i am strong enough to say no to that voice. i am strong enough to walk through this world without clutching my security blanket named bulimia. i think i might just make it in this world after all.

so basicly this is my life right now
this is how i feel right now
the painful honest truth that i dont think about or talk about very much because it hurts
but it flooded out of me today, i dont admit alot of these things, i pretend im not as much of a loser as i actually am
sometimes i tell people i hung out with friends over the weekend when i didnt
i sometimes make up stories so they dont think that i dont have alot of friends or alot of fun places to be
( it feels like my heart fell out onto the ground, and im standing there looking down watching it trying to pound... )

my mom got mad at me for stealing, she says its wrong, i told her we dont have money for all the things other people do
that no ones gonna miss a few feathers from a craft store, and orange from a super market, a box of ceral and a drink from cvs. i dont have the money for everything i need, its better then crying because my stomach hurts and im afraid to buy food because its a waste of money because theres food at my house, even though there isnt much to eat and i eat the same thing every day because we dont have alot else that i can eat. i wish my dad would stop making excuses and get a better job and stop telling me that its my fault because i know its not but he cant tell me or himself the truth because he wants to sound like hes the victim and hes a perfect person. he makes me so sad sometimes, he makes me cry alot, i wish he would just tell me im a good person, instead of telling me how much harder i make his life, but i guess he doenst think im a good person, he tells me that we werent the children he expected he would get, it makes me think he wanted some nice private school cohasset kids that dress in talbots and j crew and get perfect grades and dont get sick and dont cry as much as i do.  i love mike, i wish this karmic retribution or whatever it is that follows him around would realise hes a good person, me and him are good people, we are much better people then all the good people that walk around with there noses in the air in their name brand clothes and there wallets full of money and their respectable jobs and nice houses, they arnt all that great, you know why? because every one of them looks at me and mike with hate in their eyes when we did nothing to them, but sit on the sidewalk near where they were walking, they keep there kids away from us. but me and mike are the ones holding the doors, smiling at the children, helping the old people and the crazy people and the people no one else would stoop to help, alot of them dont understand that engaging a crazy homeless man in some nice conversation, listening to him, making him a sandwich, can be a good deed one thousand times better then throwing your change at him. i dont think i like people as much as i used to, but i will always be nice to them.

and i say well it was last week but man that was in the past
see i stopped going to the places where the people act so nasty
and pretentious 'cause i'm happy sitting with my friends in sidewalk singing songs

well as usual my life has been about chasing the high
ive begun to build up quite the tolerance for weed, which sucks but its kinda cool being able to smoke a shit load and hold my own with the guys.
i feel like a little kid chasing butterflies, but my net keeps getting smaller and they keep flying higher, but every time i catch one its even better then the last. like any dealer ive been searching for the card that is so high and wild ill never need to deal another
ive been rather content though with my new hippie type exsitance, taking rides from strangers, sharing with everyone and anyone, cuddling with the masses, its all about the drugs and the music and the harmony of man kind. everyones hitting on me but i just wanna be with mike. its probably a pretty dumb idea to have a kid next year, mike says he doesnt know if hes gonna be ready, hes probably right. im just so excited about the idea. i want my own little us to love and hold and care for. something to live a better life for.

so i weighed myself today for the first time in forever
i am 107 pounds
i want to starve myself to death right now
i was doing soo good why did i have to weigh myself
oh my god i hate myself now. this is like the most ive ever weighed and i dont like it
i could be pregnant, i think im finding out maybe today, 
im not worried but mike is all like im not ready and im like im sorrrrry. 
been smoking alot, more then i usually do. me and mike and ryan were all in maine last week and it was great, we smoked in the woods with uncle timmy and went on adventures, and me and ryan got alot closer as friends, hes a really great guy it made me really happy. we tripped on dxm but it was the liquid form and i had a realy bad time because i got hopelessly sick and majorly messed. i was seeing little green aliens that came out of the walls when i was throwing up, they were really cute though and they were all like "we care about you" and it was really comforting at the time lol. but then my high didnt die for like 3 days and that sucked because it just got wicked annoying. when we were on the dxm the adults started yelling at us because they thought we stole vikatin from them but we didnt we were just all triped out on dxm, it was scary, i wonder who stole that 12 viks. i hope they forgive us, because the adults hate us now. its sucky. and allys grampa was dying so we had to all leave early and that was really sad. i cried like the whole day we left, i think it was from coming down off the dxm high and i just couldnt stop crying about a bunch of stuff, ryan and mike were really helpful though and it felt good to cry about a bunch of that stuff, i needed it. 
complications with me and mike. today im seeing katelynn, and me and her talked and we both still really like eachother, i really feel like i cant keep myself away from her, but mike is all sad because i wanna make out with katelynn. i dont know if im just being a dick or what, i really love mike and we think we wanna be together forever, lol, but i feel like im going to be settling down with him and then missing out on the complete dating experiance. im really confused, if i love him that much why do i feel this way. im such a bad person i wish i only loved mike. but when i think about katelynn i have butterflies in my stomach and i just wanna hold her and look into her eyes and kiss her and giggle with her. whats wrong with me. if im not pregnant  i think im starving myself back down to 89 at least. i hate my weight right now. sfjkasaklfjfs. whatever. whatever is ment to happen will happen, but i still take heed to the warnings of the great magnet, whos whims control the flow of the universe.

its been a while since ive updated.
things are going swimmingly, on third of july me and matt and alex and mike all hung out and took dxm, i freaked out but i soon calmed myself with matts help, and mike completely blacked out even though he says he was fine. we went to the bon fires. and i was shouting at everyone telling them "we're going to a party, its a birthday party, its your birthday party happy birthday darling" and then everyone would cheer it was great. and then it actually was someones birthday and they gave us cake. been low on potski but nelson should be coming through for me today, i agreed to get my boss another 60 bucks worth, stupiddd me, i hate doing that. me and mike should be getting shroomies soon, i cannot waitt to tripp with him, i hope he doesnt freak out, hes liable to. things are so lovely with mike, i know im moving way too fast but we are planning on making a baby soon, i want to this year but next year is better for everyone. so far we want to name it bucket if its a boy and sonny if its a girl, and i want its middle name to be brooks if its a boy :) i decided that felt right. we almost went to his grave but when we got to couches beach mike got injured on the anchor and i took it as a sign the forces of nature were against me visiting at least that day. he slept over this weekend and it was lovely, on saturday dad let us sleep in the same bed provided we behaved, which of course we did. it was nice though i love sleeping with mike, i love waking up in his arms in the morning. i love him. we almost had completely sucessful sex for the first time in our relationship but mike didnt finish. someday lol. im trying to figure out if something is bothering him whenever we have sex or something, he usually says nothings wrong when i ask him, idk. i dont care i love just being with him. i have so much more self confidence with him, he always tells me how beautiful i am even when i look a messss and i can tell he means it. ive been eating, sometimes i feel like relapsing and i do alot, but im working on it for the first time in 4 years. my motivation is being able to have a baby, i know no one will understand, im very young, but i know i want this, my mom always tells me im a natural with the preschoolers, i love children so much and it seems lately im always surrounded by them. having a kid will help me get over my eating disorder, i know it will and im pretty sure its one of the only things that will help me. also, planning a future with mike has nearly completely convinced him not to kill himself with ryan. they absolutly cant do that to me. but ive really given him alot of hope for the future when before there wasnt any. im planning on either us moving into alex's house when im 18 or going and living with becky and jack in virginia. im leaning more towards alex's. her and her mom would definately help with the baby and make it easier on me and mike. i really believe that this isnt something that would ruin our lives but rather save them. of course none of this is certain, its all wait and see but i really feel for the first time that my life isnt going down the drain and that feels really good.

im kinda high but here it goes
i felt like i should update about stuffs.
alright, well ive been thinking alot about going to visit brook's grave for the first time ever. its really stressing me out im so scared, i just dont know what it will do to me, ive put it off way too long, i know i have to go sometime. so then i had this dream that my dad died, we were all at my grandparents house, like everyone i know and they told me he was dead and i was like crying in corners the whole time with people trying to help me. i didnt believe that he was dead but in the dream i knew i would never see him again, and the pain was so great i felt crippled under it. i woke up crying, more scared then ever to visit brook's grave, the dream reminded me of his funeral, and how i never got closure, they told me he was dead but how could i ever comprehend that, one day he was just gone, and i cried not because i realized he was dead, but because i knew i would never see him again. what happens when i have to go there, see him in the ground, know hes right there infront of me, but that hes gone. be so close and at the same time, further then i have ever been from him. im afraid. i hope mike will come with me, he said he would, i wanna go up on friday morning, i thought it would be nice to take the boat over there.
if all goes well i get to spend third of july with mike! yay. he might be planning on asking me out, i dont know what to do, i just wanna say yes but i dont trust myself to be a good girlfriend, is that just a chance i have to take? everyone probably thinks that i could just control myself, easy as pie right? wrong, ive lived this way so long its hard to change. i dont even know whats right and whats wrong anymore, my morals are like gone. im painting a picture of mike, i dont think its very good yet, i dont know if i wanna show it to him lol
i have to hang up all my art from school, i dont really have much room on my walls anymore though, ill make room.
i got my boss a half ounce, now she like loves me, and i helped with making her website and she gave me 100 dollars! guess what im buyin! yayy
on the third we are all gonna shroom out to the max, oh man i cant wait. imma paint that picture now.

Drink up baby, look at the stars
I'll kiss you again between the bars
Where I'm seeing you there with your hands in the air
Waiting to finally be caught
Drink up one more time and I'll make you mine
Keep you apart, deep in my heart
Separate from the rest, where I like you the best
And keep the things you forgot

The people you've been before
That you don't want around anymore
That push and shove and won't bend to your will
I'll keep them still

i slept over with mike, at some girl named alys house. i got high at the mall, our friend amanda almost got arrested for being drunk and silly, i love her.  i kissed casey twice, mike was jealous ;p . at the mall we hung out with cool people, sat in the woods for a while, it was so serene and lovely. i bought some weed from a man with a little girl in his arms. i was missing almost 24 hours, my family thought i was dead, the only thing i missed was my guitar. ive been playing more recently :) it makes me happy. i wrote mike a song, its lovely, he loved it. he hasnt heard it but he read the lyrics. we had sex at alys with her mom in the next room >.< the sex wasnt amazing, but i loved just being that close to him. i cant describe it. we stole a snow man and brought it back, alys moms idea. lol we dressed it up in a flower bikini top and a hula skirt with a hat and sunglasses and a sign that said happy summer and then they put it back. :). alys mom was so nice. by the next day there i was a mess, hickys alll over me, makeup a mess, muscles hurt from sleeping on the floor with mike, sooo tired and burnt out. i didnt care, i was with him, and he still thought i was pretty. i let him see me in a state i never let people see me in. when my mom picked me up she said i looked terrible. and i did. i let him touch my stomach too, which is a major taboo for me. and i ate for him. not alot, but some.

i worked sooo hard today because i missed work yesterday when i ran away with mike. today i made two slabs of clay, one didnt work so i had to do it over, that took like 2 hours or more >.<.  i dusted the shop and all the pottery in it, vaccumed the floor and her car, unpacked all the pottery from the show, put the tent away on the porch and the tables by the shed, weeded the garden, swept the studio, cleaned the pottery on the porch and dumped the water out of all the bowls annddd cleaned the shelves on the porch and swept it. oh my god if my muscles didnt hurt before they do now. i worked for more then 5 hours. when i came home i ran down to the river and just jumped in. it felt sooo good, it was totally worth the worried and confused expression on moms face when i came home soaking in my work clothes. then i took a cool shower, tried to get the kinks out of my back a bit. i read a bit, im exhausted but i dont feel like sleeping, i want it to rain hard again so i can lay in the grass. but then id be all wet and dirty again. im not even really introuble for leaving, but im in deep shit if i keep up the way i have been. i cant face my dad yet, he thought i was dead and hes gonna be pissed at me. oh well. i wrote a cool song about it though. :) i need to drop some poundage. i need to either get more cigs or cut down. i vote more.

And I don't know myself anymore
(and I don't know who I am anymore)
And I don't know who to be anymore
(and I don't know who I am anymore)
And I don't know what to think anymore
(and I don't know who I am anymore)
Except that I am strange and deranged
(and I don't know who I am anymore)
And I will never change

i was standing against the garage door at the autoshop blowing smoke into the sky, it was raining, not hard. lightening lit up the sky but i didnt hear any thunder. i was watching a little white moth wandering in circles on the wet pavement, and then it flew up and landed on my jeans. had band practice, which was amazing. im hopeful. im staying back, its ok, i need to. maybe ill take a senior year at a different school. i want to take it at exeter like dad, but i would have to work very hard, its very wishful thinking. i worked really hard all weekend and today with the pottery stuff, ugh im exhausted, i dont get paid enough for all the work i do. oh well, its better then a regular job. i do some normal stuff, make clay slabs, clean the studio and show room, paint pottery. but she also has me do a bunch of odd jobs, weed her garden? watch her grandson? weird. oh well. i got a reallly awsome headband with my moneyz. its like black and has kinda an old fashioned look. i love it.
kinda like this but much smaller.
this week i went down to the beach in cohasset, i met up with some scituate guys, they rolled me a cig, i rode around with them and they bought me cigs and we were at the end of the world in hull and they were talking about literature and theology and numerology and phycology and astrology and tarot and meditation and the pillers in the temple, then we took some adderall and smoked some weed. one tired to cuddle with me, but all i could think about was mike so i didnt let him do anything to me, i still have his jacket, i hope i see them again soon, that was a great night, i didnt sleep, my mind was reeling. i love adderall and weed together, it was so euphoric. i hung out with mike and we kissed it was lovely. :D hes such a cutie. he talks about his ex alot though, i hate it when he calls her meggy. i havent seen katelynn lately. the long distance thing is a huge bitch. :( . eating has been up and down. i smoked weed with jeremy yesterday, that was ok, i found out mike g said he would fuck me lol. he didnt have sex with me thank god. me and alex got pretty molested at the beach this weekend. it was ok though, we got away. my friend grace is hitting on me. i had an interesting night when i was high at her house.
i keep having really weird dreams. i had this one where i was at couches beach, kids were camping everywhere, i was looking for brooks's grave but i couldnt find it. maybe because i secretly denied its existence. as i was wandering the grave yard there were all these book shelves full of reallly old books. soon there were hardly any graves, just books. i wonder what it means.  last night i dreamed i was running around this neighborhood at night, i was staying at this school or something, we all went on a field trip to a movie, i kept hallucinating and me and meg got in a huge fight and i cried saying something about  how i lost all the friends i used to have. i was in this huge bathroom with what seemed like 30 girls in it. i was in this stall and i kept hallucinating that i saw this little blonde boy like maybe 5 years old, and his name was # 9. when it was time to leave the theater, i was crying to an usher, a young man who seemed to want to help me, i told him i was seeing things and i was scared, so when they checked the theater to make sure they hadnt lost anyone, he helped me hide so i wouldnt have to go with them. i ran away from there and i was running down this street in the dark, it was heavily wooded and the trees were really green like as if it had just rained and i was trying to find my way back somewhere. maybe i should stop doing drugs. part of me is waiting to emerge from this haze of strange happenings thats become my life, and part of me is waiting for that trip i never come back from.

in my semi sobered state of mind, things hit me that much harder.
i was reading new moon, edward left bella, and i cried so hard, not so much for her, but because the break ups of this year came flooding into my mind, the ones i was not so concious of in my desperate attempts to numb the pain. these demons i have been hiding from. ive been under my pile of problems while all these things keep happening around me, its like the world is turning when i am just sitting there watching, going with it, not attempting to make any kind of sense of whats going on. im just another reckless hopeless juvenile. im sick. im an addict. i am so gone. i went to the drama club picnic, it reminded me how detatched i was from everyone. i sat in corners talking to just a few people. never really among the group, when i went to say bye, i only said bye to a few people. there is this distance between me and everything i used to know. in school i am the mysterious disappearing girl. constantly. im sure people wonder what the hell happened to linnea. im sure theres a million rumors, most of them secretly true. after ive made my yearly drop from existance, its made all the more awkward when i waver in and out of public view. wondering the halls, shaking, a few tears falling in class without explaination. what has happened to linnea. i didnt smoke pot today, leaving the flood gates unlocked. how terrifying. i listened to the song by tracy chapman called change. knowing im in the wrong direction, knowing right and doing wrong, what would make me change? how far down do i have to be before theres no where left to fall.
a light came into my life recently. i think im falling in love with a mexican cross dresser. hes beautiful, he doesnt see it. i feel so good, so melancholy with him. i saw him friday, and the whole time i wanted to reach out and hug him and not let go. i suppressed the urge mostly. so serious a feeling is supposed to take time. of course, the complication of katelynn arises. my poor girl, i will always love her. she has a boyfriend, ew. whatever. i still love her, she loves me. its been established. i dont care what we are as long as im with her. i havent seen her in too long. the pain of the distance between us aches inside me as i long to hold her, look into her eyes, just to be with her. shes so troubled, always running, using drugs. my dear baby girl. mike is the name of my soon to be lover i hope, my mexican punk god. im more then typical. we talk on the phone every night, about nothing significant but i look forward to the call everyday. i feel like i wanna cry and lay in his arms.
i ran outside for a bit, through the grass and sat at the end of my driveway smoking butts. im desperately low on cigarettes. i watched the smoke curling in the dark. blowing my breath out until the clouds of smoke where gone from my lungs. i layed in the middle of the grass in my yard and looked at the stars through the trees. i remembered last winter when my dad would have his telescope at the audobon, showing people the rings on saturn. and me and the boy of the moment would lay in the field in the cold shivering together looking at the sky.  but i wouldnt have changed the moment for the world.
i wonder when time will start again and the days stop blurring together and the odd happenings cease. when i will be able to think clearly again. how long will it be before i emerge from this haze. i feel like its going to go on this way for a few more months at least, god forbid the rest of my life. i feel giant again, food is a terrible thing to hate and need at the same time. damn my human body and its needs. how will i ever deal with these things that are haunting me. how long can i run before i collapse. how long do i have here on this plane of existence. you always feel like you have some idea, but you never really know.

I was spending my days with my demons, yeah
They had taken up inside of my heart
They were trying to keep me entertained
They were tearing me apart
Well my memory, she was packing, yeah
And I knew that she would never come back
She handed me a letter and
Then she vanished in the black

things are what you make of them, yeah you know what I mean, you know what I mean

its 9 am.
i should be in school, but im not. i texted katelynn this morning, shes sick, poor thing. i miss her so much it hurts. i feel almost sick when guys hit on me, especially if i try to flirt back, because i know i only want her.
someone called me at 6 am, i didnt answer, i dont recognize the number, im sure its one of my friends, i thought i should have answered, but its there own damn fault for calling me at 6 am.
i started to get ready for school, i sat in the shower for a good 20 minutes without doing anything, just sitting there letting the hot water pour out over my undeserving body. what a waste of water. then i tried to get dressed, looked at myself in the mirror and went to the bathroom and painfully threw up breakfast. my throat still hurts. i started trying to brush my hair and then thought about what my day would be. sitting in math and chemistry, not knowing any of the material, not having anything to do, having anxiety attack after anxiety attack until 1:45. i started crying for no good reason. i called my dad and told him, he offered no real help, so i got undressed and crawled back into bed for a while. what a productive morning, wake up, get dressed, vomit, get undressed, go back to bed. good job lin. i feel so fat, i wanna lose weight, i feel like every bite i eat is holding me back from being thin enough by that much. its unbearable. i hate my body.
yesterday was quite intense. me and mom got in a fight, over nothing important at all, and then she just fliped and came into my room and started breaking things. watching my mother lose control on me like that, i got so angry, so defensive, i lost it completely. i screamed terrrible profanities at her for a good 30 minutes inbetween hitting her and throwing things at her, i smashed a huge fruit bowl on the floor, ruined the floor. didnt even feel really bad about it after. i ran out of the house and had a smoke at the auto shop and alex and her mom came by, me and alex talked for a while at the autoshop, not really about the fight, more about drugs and our weekend plans.
ive been liking the weather recently, its kinda rainy and foggy but very warm, a good day to sit in the swing set in my brothers sweatshirt with the hood up and smoke a bowl. that kinda day. i like how green everything looks when its so wet outside. it makes all the colors of the world so much more vibrant. my stomach is starting to hurt, and im glad because it means my purge is making me feel empty. i just wanna feel skinny and empty, for reasons i forgot long ago, now its just the way i live. i hope things go ok tomorrow, im seeing a bunch of people, and no doubt getting myself into some trouble. but theres two different reasons i worry about getting in trouble, my lesser worry, getting caught by authorities, my greatest worry, what it will make me feel. i am more dangerous to me than anything in this world, being alone with myself is my most terrifying fear. there is nothing more frightening in this world, then being faced with yourself.

so ive been doing good with eating, like one small meal a day
today i aim not to eat anything, lots of diet soda will aid me on this quest
the lack of eating though has made me sleep for like 16 hours everyday, which is ridiculous. and i still havent droped a fucking pound. how did i let myself slip so far? i needa get me some diet pills. i need to work harder. maybe today ill start a liquid fast. it will be painful, but i need some control over my life. theres currently a terrible lack of weed. so i cry alot, because im forced to feel things i would otherwise be too intoxicated to feel. just what i was afraid of. i hate it. i havent been going to school, i want to, i just sleep too much. i need to force myself to go tomorrow. my soar throat is finally getting better, probably thanks to not smoking weed recently. apparently everyone knows i was in the hospital for heroin, because tyler cant be trusted with secrets, whatever, i dont care. im getting out of this town soon enough i really dont care what the little townsfolk know about me. they might as well know, theres probably been worse rumors about my disappearances. desperate for cigarettes, i broke into the cars next door last night, got a whole bunch of lighters so i can give alex hers back, and of course the last car on the lot was the one with half a pack in it. that should hopefully hold me over till i get more probably friday. im such a fiend. i ran around in 20s clothes the other day, it was alot of fun, i wouldnt mind always dressing like that. i love antique clothes.
on the hopeful side, ive been working at rossman pottery, i love it. making slabs of clay, painting pottery, fireing things, selling pottery, the only part that sucks is windexing alllll the pottery in the shop and the backroom. oh man. its better then a normal job though. i realised only recently that only a few months ago, i would be spending my paycheck on books, and now i plan to spend it on weed. what a transition. also i let mike read some of my poetry and lyrics and he said they really inspired him to write some music so i cannnnot wait to chill with the band and write stuff, ugh i miss the band soo much. my friend is having surgery, im so scared for her, i told her we could blaze this weekend if it isnt this week. :( i miss katelynn so bad, when i think about her, my stomach ties in knots and my heart just aches. i want to see her more then anything. i love that girl so much. i just wanna forget about all the guys that wanna bang me and be with her forever. i hate that she lives so far, ill find ways to see her if it kills me, because being away from her is killing me.  schools getting out soon, thank god, i probably have to take all my finals though and have anxiety attacks. i think im suposed to be takeing classes at a college next year instead of school. i guess it may be the only way and it sounds fun, but man am i gonna miss being a senior at marshfield high, maybe ill come back and do a senior year after. im so sad im not graduating with my class, oh well, alot of them are assholes anyway.  whatever it takes to get by, to live. my friend kyle told me that me and him and bryan can all be hobos together, and i thought, hey that doesnt sound so bad if im with people i love. i love having friends. i tend to lose touch with alot of them because im so curled up inside myself, i hope that doesnt keep happening. i need to stop having anxiety, i wish i could just be like, hey linnea chill out. it doesnt work that way usually. i just wanna feel good, like all the other happy people.

Who’s gonna save my soul now
I wonder if I’ll live grow old now
Getting high cause I feel so low down
And maybe it’s a little selfish
All I have is the memory
Yet I never stopped to wonder
Was it possible you hurtin’ worse than me
Still my hunger turns to greed
Cause what about what I need
Who’s gonna save my soul now
I know I’m out of control now

its tuesday, i didnt go to school, i slept for 12 hours, which isnt that odd for me. it was a nice day, i read twilight outside, i like reading in the sun. but i didnt get out early enough, the clouds rolled in too soon. i wrote katelynn a beautiful poem, and i sent it to her. i hope she likes it, and me. if she really does, i hope i can show her all the countless poems that shes inspired. i love having beautiful inspiration like her. i made a whole lotta friends at the mall recently, been talking to those boys me and alex smoked pot with there that one time. they arnt as scary as i thought. more human and less hardened then i imagined they would be. it made me feel comfortable. like maybe i could be myself and let my guard down a bit. with john, my guard is always up, every word out of my mouth to him is thought out. its like we are playing a secret game with eachother, we arnt sure of the rules, and we pretend we arnt when we are with eachother, but we both know we are playing. i think im winning, for now.  but there really are no winners in this game. all the scene girls i met friday seem really nice. i feel like maybe i have friends again. as my dad would say " if your an interesting person, someone will always take care of you" i dont think anyone reading this would understand that like me and my dad do, it doesnt really mean what it outwardly appears to mean, me and my dad have some kinda weird force on our side, things come to us, when we need them, or when people need us. it only happens when we arnt trying, you have to follow your random urges. its become normal to us. but its quite unnatural. i cant wait to see katelynn friday, she was grounded this friday for failing her drug test so we didnt get to hang out. i just wanna be around her.
I want you to watch cartoons with me.
He-man, Voltron and Hong-Kong-Fui
I tried to ask you to your face
But no words came out.
I put on my hood and walked away,
That doesn't mean I don't like you.
 
i feel bad for casey, we would be together if i hadnt met katelynn. but i guess i just need to follow my heart. im starting to feel kinda skinny again. its a good feeling, havent been eating so ridiculously much lately. smokeing weed with tyler in the woods tomorrow after school, i cant wait, i hope he doesnt try to hook up with me. i cant wait for art tomorrow. i really gotta get my ass outta bed. im so anxious for katelynns response to my poem. i hope it goes like i want it to go. i hope everything goes right.

i dont wanna be awake right now, id love to be sleeping comfortably, id love to fall asleep at 9 30 every night and wake up easily, refreshed in the morning, take a shower, go to school, work hard and get good grades. but here i am, burnt out at one am, feeling only slightly more comfortable and able to sleep at 1 am after vomiting, of course thats not good enough, that was just to feel empty, i still dont feel empty, i have to choose between getting high and loosing weight at least until i have enough self control to do both, i feel miserable, my throat hurts, im gonna have a headache tomorrow, im so tired but i cant sleep.  i had a lovely time at prom with katelynn, we smoked weed in the bathroom and danced real close. i didnt know if she liked me like i like her, so i was awkward about touching her, until she threw her arms around me for every picture. however unsure of myself i was dancing with her, i loved feeling my skin on her skin. we took a school bus jimmy brought to his house, he made it clear that the past was the past, it made me really happy. we smoked more and the strobe light messed with my brain. they had it on for about an hour, i think, i had no sense of time. all i could focus on was evading the flashing light and my position on the couch in relation to katelynn. our heads and legs and arms touching, tired, ready to fall asleep next to eachother. at my house she told me she loved me as we fell asleep with fear and loathing in las vegas on in the background, she left her glove here. i was happy to have something of hers when she wasnt here anymore. i told her today that i missed her and she said she missed me too. :) i went to donnies prom saturday, danced alot, sang bohemian rhapsody on stage with a stranger, it was intense. after parties, hell if i know. smoked a joint and a bowl by myself, oh man. got home at 4 am, slept till two pm. theres nothing to drink in my house, i guess ill have water, if i decide its worth the movement. today i just thought i wanted to die, failing out of school, my struggle with my weight is overwhelming, i feel like i have no control over anything. lately my only objectives have been to survive and get high, maybe have sex. i hate living this way.  john called me for sex and i turned him down, i was with katelynn, and that was all i wanted. its all i want. johns getting off a methadone binge. he needs to clean himself up, i think im helping by not having sex with him, he needs to learn to be true to a girl.  i dont feel beautiful at all, i dont understand how anyone is attracted to me, i dont understand how i can go from looking in the mirror and seeing a pretty painted up picture of myself, to an absolute ugly trashy mess staring back at me.  Animus and Anima. kill yourself. but kill me first. you know what? why dont we find some way to live instead. ill find some way to live. if i sing a song will you sing along or should i just keep singing right here by myself. 

gained 5 disgusting pounds thanks to munchies
ew i hate myself
200 calorie limit till im skinny
this is gonna hurt so bad.
i suck. i need to be strong.

the girl i asked to the prom said yes, oh my god im soo happy i could cry
shes sooo cute
i want her to be my girl. oh my god things are really turning around
fuck john, i have katelynn now. i have like major butterflies
i gotta stop getting high, i like kinda got lost yesterday like i was where i was suposed to be but i like didnt know where i was. it was nuts and it was sooo scary.
and today i feel like utter crap, head ache and ive been sleeping all day, on top of that im tryin to keep it under 400 calories so that makes everything worse. bleh, at least i have my girl 
thats her <3

( the intoxicated 2 am ramblings )

oh man do i have shit to update about
aight, so i found out alex had sex with john and then john got a girlfriend, maggie. ugh
so i had sex with jeremy, probably a bad move but i wanted him to give me drugs and stuff and i was so upset with alex and john. then john told me he broke up with maggie, which he didnt and had sex with me, wtf. i shouldnt have let him, im not sure what i should have done. "im sorry for what i did, i did what my body told me to, i didnt mean to do you harm, everytime i pin down what i think want it slips away." story of my life. so im out of the program. im gonna miss everyone but all the boys there kept hittin on me and touching me and it made me super upset so im glad im outta that situation because im too passive to stick up for myself in stuff like that >.< i suck. i went back to school for a few days and entered the poetry slam, im excited about that. and i saw robbie and he seemed happy to see me so that felt good. everyone seemed happy to see me. i met lots of bi girls in the program. i asked this girl katelynn to come with me to the prom via myspace because im too much of a pussy to ask her in person, ugh im soo  anxious for her reply i reallly hope she says yes, shes so hott i want her to be my girl lol. ahh shes sooo awsome. ive been sober for 5 days and im ruinin it tonight >.< i suck lol. i feel bad because everyone is rooting for me and everyones been so proud of me and im hardly even trying and im just screwin it all up after all the help and effort everyones been giving to me. im a terrible person. i just wanna get high and forget everything forever. at least, thats how i feel sometimes. other times i like knowing whats going on and not walking around in a cloud of confusion.  my mom keeps asking me about the "guy" im asking to prom, how do i tell her its a girl?? shes not gonna get it, i hope she doesnt flip. im pissed band practice didnt work out today, bitchez need to get they act together. oh well, it better work out next week, eh fuck it all. maybe someday everything will be fine, even if its just for a day.

its about 1 am, im in cohasset in this little room ive claimed, i couldnt sleep, lots of stuff on my mind i guess
been in treatment, trying to get clean, i ate a potato chip infront of everyone for julies last day, it was soo much harder then it sounds
i hate eating infront of people, scares me, i also hate eating when i havent eaten all day because its like fucking up my hard work. and god do i work hard, but its never good enough. i miss john badly, im afraid hes not interested anymore. i really feel like if he was interested, it would save me, i could stop seeing any other guys, thats what i want. i just want him. i almost cried in group therapy today, they were talking about sex and age differences and this asshole kid kept saying, "well like a 15 year old girl and a 30 year old guy thats just wrong, thats fucked up." and all i could think about was letting that guy touch me, how much it hurt inside and i did my best never to show it because i needed drugs and cigs and stuff from him, how i just wanted to run and take a shower and rub all my skin off just to feel clean again. im really sensitive about it these days. getting clean is way hard, especially because 420 is this weekend, i know this weekend im getting messed, its like a fact. i was planing just to smoke pot on 420 but then my friend was like im getting lsd and weed and shrooms wanna come and i was like, more then anything. ahha fuck me. i hope they dont like eat me alive in group, ill tell them im not going, i still dont know if im going but i probably will. my brain is gonna die.
so tonight i went to the beach at like midnight when everyone was asleep, i smoked the cigs this girl at the program gave me, <3 shes a life saver. i was sitting ontop of a big construction machine thing they had down there, theyve been working on the road i guess, and then i ran around on the beach and i was smiling and laughing for no reason, it just made me happy i guess. i was laying in the sand looking at the stars, watching the lighthouse, i love how beautiful it is here. its way too beautiful. a bunch of people at the program id become kinda attached to are leaving tomorrow, and im not, gay i thought i was. imma gonna miss them, i hope i dont get too lonely
ive been trying not to listen to any sad songs, i feel like theres this sadness inside me thats just going to come pouring out if i let myself get depressed and it would be unbearable. what i like about the drugs is i dont have to feel that pain, dont have to feel the things im afraid would hurt too much. im afraid one of these days im just gonna snap, everything held in will come flowing out with such intensity im afraid i wont beable to handle it at all and it will be my end.

trying to eat sucks. majorly, extremely. i feel beyond fat, i hate my body, i want to lose weight, ive been eating, for john, but tonight i threw up and i feel soo good now that im empty and i only wish i could be tiny and skinny and empty always, i wish it were easier and didnt hurt so unbearably much. im going to the day program on monday. wish me luck. its really scary, but im kinda relieved because i need a massive amount of intense therapy, and an escape.  everytime i think i've hit rock bottom, i sometimes figure out a whole new level of low. letting pedophiles touch me for oxycontin. who have i become. this isnt who i used to be, this isnt who i am. who am i anymore.
practiced with the band today, made me feel hopeful, we had an amazing photoshoot, i had some pretty sick ideas. i cant wait to see those pictures. i love my band, the guys are awsome, they always got my back. especially right now when im suffering so.
recovery from my ed is so impossible, its something that would take a lifetime and i feel like full recovery is a myth, its like disregarding everything that has been my life so far and learning to live a different way, but i cant forget those thoughts and i cant ignore those feelings. the voice of my anorexic self has so much power in my mind, it overpowers all other voices of reason. it reigns supreme in my world. its a dictator i would die for, i hang on its every word, worship it like a god. thank it for showing me that with pain and discipline i can have the fragile body ive dreamed of. when i am skinny enough, i feel like i will be graceful and beautiful and light, my body will have a sharp bony structure, my legs will fold easily with nothing between them. my clothes will fit better. pedophiles wont want to rape me anymore.
johns been talking to me again, hes not mad at me anymore, hes really proud im trying to get help. i dont wanna fix my ed though, its such a big part of me, but i dont want to lie to him about it, but i just might have to. im such an asshole
im so happy johns been talking to me, i realllly miss him, i want to see him and i think he wants to see me too
rik from anime con wants to see me tomorrow, im planing on going, im gonna do my very best not to have sex, i wanna be a good girl for my baby. i dont want to fuck up this time, i want to be with this one, is that too ambitious?
use me, I'm beautiful
take me, I'm yours
hurt me, it feels like medicine
and all I deserve

I don't need money
or strangers to love me
I could be happy
with someone to trust
someone to love  

^thats for him.

"i thought what id do is pretend i was one of those deaf mutes"

so i sorta talked to john, for about a minute, i didnt really get to talk, apparently all the times ive been waiting for him to call me he was under the impression i was supposed to call him. i feel like shit, he thinks im this huge mess, maybe i am, but i never thought so. he told me to call him when im better, how longs he gonna wait for that call? will he even want me when i do call. hes probably just gonna find some other messed up slut to bang. i miss that bastard already. i was thinking of checking myself into a hospital, i think i need it, i dont know if that will make it worse or if that will make him believe im getting better. im some kinda screwed up. my band wanted to practice this weekend, i told them i might not be there, pretty much said good by to a bunch of people. i dont know if that will help my situation, wasting some days in a hospital, missing the world. sitting like a cat on a windowsill, scratching at the doors to be let out.
being in a devastated confused helpless state, i went into the bathroom at about 10;30 pm and put on a whole bunch of make up, painted my eyes up with big black circles around them, put on a crap load of blush and some red whore lipstick. i looked like a china doll. then i went out to the auto shop and had some smokes and cried all that black eyeliner down my face. i realised that song outsider by a perfect circle perfectly describes my situation with john. im just some suicidal imbecile "why do you wanna throw it away like this, such a mess, I don't wanna watch you disconnect and self destruct one bullet at a time, whats your rush now everyone will have his day to die." everytime things seem to be working out, i massively fuck up in some terrible way. mama thinks the copz are plotting against me, she thinks they are all gonna come and take me away tomorrow, i feel like tonights kinda a last horrah.  this shit is nuts. they're coming to take me away haha they're coming to take me away haha to the funny farm where life is happy and gay. i put a cig out on my arm, i wanted it to hurt more then it did, it was disappointing. i guess you could say, im going down swinging. i dont think ill sleep tonight, i think ill go up to brooks park and cry some more at some wee hours of the morning.
something out there, fix this mess, just this once, for once in my life can i have something nice? someone nice. i miss that boy already, i wish he would talk to me, or listen. fuck. please murder me.
i used to be the tight one, the perfect fit,  funny how those compliments can make you feel so full of it.

so john decided i have to get better before we go out
kill me in the face
no one understands how much this eating disorder owns my life, how it rules over my body and mind, has a part in ever decision i make.  going to school more, i can do that, not seeing other guys, thats easy, giving up my precious disease. so impossible. it would take years to get better anyway, and a lifetime to actually fix it if thats possible, everyone ive known thats had one has struggled with it there whole lives, which for some is like 50 years so far. ive been trying to eat, but i cant admit to myself if i try to get better, because i am working against me. weird. im so upset about this, i kept pulling away from him friday night when he tried to kiss me. i wanna believe him, but part of me doesnt, part of me thinks maybe hes not interested and wants to see other girls, part of me thinks all those things those girls said about him dating me really got to him, i wish so much they hadn't. im so scared that we wont go out again. im so upset. i just wanna cry. ive been trying really hard to be honest but tonight im going out with josh because hes getting me oc's and cigs and i feel bad about john wasting money and time on me. i should get a job.
so i wrote this really gay straight forward poem thing. i dont like it very much but it just details the situation a bit.
 
i wanna throw up soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo bad and never eat again.