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rememberance of a time when i was forced to live, and lived on blueberry iced coffee
Posted on 2006.06.18 at 09:34Current Mood:
its a strange kinda happiness
Current Music: bye bye miss american pie
i became a vegan
its been helping me restrict alot
basicly all i eat is fruit, salad, soy cheese and crackers
and the occasional terrifying half cup of cereal without milk
today i was eating jelly beans
and i remembered
the hospital,
when mom brought me jelly beans
and i sat with her and ate them
carefully counting them, one at time
and every lunch
id ask for my jelly beans
and carefully count them as i ate them slowly one at a time
and then there was a blue berry jelly bean, which reminded me of everyday after the day program
when i would ask mom if we could get a small blueberry iced coffee with skim milk and splenda
and i would experiance the sensation of having nothing in my stomach, and feeling the fulll force of the caffeen
throughout my dying body
its kinda weird having friends with eating disorders
we encourage eachother, talk about food
one of us will say their fat and akwardly the other will say
of course your not
knowing that you feel the same way about your own body
we are helping eachother die, but we cover that topic up with nutritional facts and calorie counting, and the discussion of safe foods and exersise routines,
talking about how much we lost, and not shareing weights,
god forbid we admitt, we are competeing with eachother in this deadly race
if im not doing any better by my next hospital visit, i am going to be staying there for quite some time
because my last visit was less then good.
i think i may be slipping into states of anemia, i have all the symptoms
god damn iron, where am i suposed to find iron anyways? i must go searching for some
i cant stop yawning, ive been yawning since monday
moms completely on my ass about my vegan lifestyle,
shes constantly telling me how soon im going to die
i think she almost likes telling me that.
goodness i could write so much,
ill stop now, before it gets too rediculasly long
until then, ill be drinking blue berry iced coffees
and eating frozen blue berrys
like me and alex used to do, when she was anorexic and 60 pounds
and i wanted nothing more then to be her.
its a sick obsession. dont try this at home kids.
its been helping me restrict alot
basicly all i eat is fruit, salad, soy cheese and crackers
and the occasional terrifying half cup of cereal without milk
today i was eating jelly beans
and i remembered
the hospital,
when mom brought me jelly beans
and i sat with her and ate them
carefully counting them, one at time
and every lunch
id ask for my jelly beans
and carefully count them as i ate them slowly one at a time
and then there was a blue berry jelly bean, which reminded me of everyday after the day program
when i would ask mom if we could get a small blueberry iced coffee with skim milk and splenda
and i would experiance the sensation of having nothing in my stomach, and feeling the fulll force of the caffeen
throughout my dying body
its kinda weird having friends with eating disorders
we encourage eachother, talk about food
one of us will say their fat and akwardly the other will say
of course your not
knowing that you feel the same way about your own body
we are helping eachother die, but we cover that topic up with nutritional facts and calorie counting, and the discussion of safe foods and exersise routines,
talking about how much we lost, and not shareing weights,
god forbid we admitt, we are competeing with eachother in this deadly race
if im not doing any better by my next hospital visit, i am going to be staying there for quite some time
because my last visit was less then good.
i think i may be slipping into states of anemia, i have all the symptoms
god damn iron, where am i suposed to find iron anyways? i must go searching for some
i cant stop yawning, ive been yawning since monday
moms completely on my ass about my vegan lifestyle,
shes constantly telling me how soon im going to die
i think she almost likes telling me that.
goodness i could write so much,
ill stop now, before it gets too rediculasly long
until then, ill be drinking blue berry iced coffees
and eating frozen blue berrys
like me and alex used to do, when she was anorexic and 60 pounds
and i wanted nothing more then to be her.
its a sick obsession. dont try this at home kids.